THE HAPPIEST DAN ALIVE
BY RUSSELL HILLMAN
PAGE 1
Page
1, panel 1:
A
suburban kitchen. Dan (thirtysomething, smart casual, dark hair styled not
sculpted) is spooning takeaway curry from a tray onto a plate. He is shouting
to someone in another room.
DAN (THINKS)
Emily! Damn it!
DAN
Anna! Just dishing up now!
Page
1, panel 2:
The
living room of the same house. A different night. Dan is dressed more casually.
He’s holding a landline phone.
DAN (THINKS)
Emily! Damn it!
DAN
Anna! Phone!
Page
1, panel 3:
Dan
(similar outfit to panel 1) and his mate Phil (younger, shorter and not as well
groomed) stand outside a bar, smoking.
DAN
I don’t get it. I broke up
with Emily about, what, fifteen years ago now?
PHIL
Pretty much. You’ve been
married to Anna for nine years.
Page
1, panel 4:
Continued
from previous. There is a flash from off-panel.
DAN
So why do I keep wanting
to call her Emily?
PHIL
Dunno. Another...
Page
1, panel 5:
Phil
is frozen. Dan has turned his head toward the off-panel flash.
DANIEL (OFF-PANEL)
I believe I can answer
that!
DAN
Huh?
Page
1, panel 6:
Dan
shaking hands with Daniel. Daniel is a sci-fi version of Dan – interpret that
however you want. Cyberpunk, retro-thirties Flash Gordon, whatever works for
you.
DANIEL
Dan, I’m Daniel. I’m you
from another universe.
DANIEL (CONTINUED)
I’m also Emily’s husband.
PAGE 2
Page
2, panel 1:
Full-width
panel. Daniel is now standing with
various other Dans. There’s a seventies smart casual Danny, robot DAN-10,
Dan-the-Dog (a dog in clothes), a girly Danielle, a lesbian stereotype Danni,
cool black dude D-Man and ludicrous hipster The Dan-Meister. Assemble them
wisely, for they will move around as we go. Put the odd stray Dan in the back
of panels to show that they don’t just vanish when they have no dialogue.
DAN-10
Me too!
DANNI
She was my girlfriend!
DANNY
She left me for another
woman!
DANIEL
It’s a multiversal echo,
you see? You’re getting our stray thoughts.
Page
2, panel 2:
On
Dan and Daniel.
DAN
So, you’re all me from
other worlds? What are you doing here?
DANIEL
We’re here to find out a
universal secret.
Page
2, panel 3:
Daniel
has grabbed Dan by his shirt front, and is yelling at him.
DANIEL
HOW DID YOU GET OVER
EMILY?
Page
2, panel 4:
Daniel
has now let go of Dan, who is straightening out his shirt front. Dan-The-Dog is
nearby.
DAN
I dunno. I mean, I guess
it helped that she dumped me.
DAN-THE-DOG
Yeah, me too.
Page
2, panel 5:
Continued
from previous.
DAN
And she was cheating on
me.
DANIEL
So is mine.
PAGE 3
Page
3, panel 1:
Full
width panel. The assembled Dans again. Shuffled around a bit, but still all
there.
DANIELLE
Emil-Lee made me watch him
with other women!
D-MAN
Mine meets guys online for
sex.
THE DAN-MEISTER
Mine has been sniffing
around other guys, I just know it!
DANIEL
In every universe, she’s
broken our hearts. You’re the only Dan who ever got over her.
Page
3, panel 2:
On
our Dan.
DAN
Wait. In other universes,
I’m a robot? Was Emily a robot too?
Page
3, panel 3:
DAN-10,
D-Man, The Dan-Meister and Dan-The-Dog.
DAN-10
Yup. The M-L-E-5000
D-MAN
Mine too.
DAN-THE-DOG
Mine was a bitch. An
actual canine, I mean...
THE DAN-MEISTER
Mine too!
Page
3, panel 4:
DAN-10,
D- Man and Dan-The Dog all glare at The Dan-Meister. No dialogue.
Page
3, panel 5:
On
our Dan. Arms open, heartfelt.
DAN
The thing is... I can’t
really help you.
DAN (CONTINUED)
I don’t know how I got
over her. Eventually, I just did. Give it time...
PAGE 4
Page
4, panel 1:
Full
width panel. The Dans assembled one final time. Everyone is standing slightly
apart from The Dan-Meister. They are starting to fade out.
DANNI
Give it time? What?
DANNY
Is that it? I travelled to
a parallel universe for THAT?
DANIELLE
That’s rubbish!
D-MAN
Worth a try, I s’pose...
Page
4, panel 2:
Dan
and Daniel, the last one to fade.
DAN
Plus, meeting Anna really
helped...
DANIEL
Wait! Who’s Anna?
Page
4, panel 3:
Dan
and Phil again. Phil is now unfrozen.
PHIL
...pint?
DAN
No, I think I’ll call it a
night. Seeya!
Page
4, panel 4:
Back
at home. Dan striding purposefully through an open door, holding a big bag of
Chinese food. You can tell it’s Chinese food because the artist has drawn
something on the bag to make that obvious, like a pagoda or something.
DAN (THINKS)
In a thousand worlds, I’m
the only one who found happiness! I’m the only one who got over Emily!
DAN
(THINKS-CONTINUED)
Right, let’s see if this
had any effect.
Page
4, panel 5:
Continued
from previous. Dan is calling to someone off-panel.
DAN (THINKS)
Hannah! Ann! Annie! A/N!
Andy!
DAN
DAMN IT!
TITLE BOX
The Happiest Dan Alive
Written by Russell
Hillman
Art by...
Letters by...
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