TWO MEN, ONE SHED
BY RUSSELL HILLMAN
PAGE 1, PANEL 1:
A typical suburban lounge. STUART (average height, thin, short red hair, late thirties, glasses) is showing ADAM (tall, slim, dark hair, mid twenties) and LIZZIE (tall, slim, blonde, short hair, mid twenties) around. Lizzie is definitely more enthused than Adam.
We had it rewired just after Christmas.
Oh, that’s good.
PAGE 1, PANEL 2:
In the garden. Stuart is showing Adam and Lizzie the shed. Stuart and Adam look happy, Lizzie is bored. The shed is small and nondescript, but looks well made.
And this is the shed. My pride and joy.
Wow. Yeah, that’s really beautiful.
Yeah, it’s OK.
PAGE 1, PANEL 3:
On Stuart. Reminiscing.
I need to get shot of the place quick after the divorce, but I’m really going to miss this little shed.
I had some great times in here.
PAGE 1, PANEL 4:
Back to all three of them. Lizzie looks like she’d rather be anywhere else. The men are staring at the shed.
It’s a beauty. You should be very proud of it.
PAGE 1, PANEL 5:
Continued. Both the men are staring at the shed. Lizzie looks at some flowers.
So, did you plant these yourself...?
PAGE 1, PANEL 6:
Back in the room from panel 1, which is now empty except for a couple of boxes. Lizzie is carrying a box. Adam is carrying a larger box, not very successfully.
Adam! Careful, you’re dropping it!
PAGE 2, PANEL 1:
Adam in the garden. He is cleaning the outside of the shed like it was a car.
Look at you, all clean and neat. You look wonderful...
PAGE 2, PANEL 2:
Adam in the shed, various garden tools around. He sits in an old camping chair reading a book.
PAGE 2, PANEL 3:
Night-time. Adam and Lizzie are in bed. Adam is sat up slightly. Lizzie is still dozing.
Lizzie! I can hear something outside.
Go back to sleep, it’s probably just a fox.
PAGE 2, PANEL 4:
Adam stood at the window. Lizzie has turned over.
PAGE 2, PANEL 5:
Continued from previous. Lizzie sits up.
Stuart! The bloke who used to live here!
What’s he doing?
PAGE 2, PANEL 6:
We now see out in the garden. Stuart is at the top of a small stepladder, applying creosote to the shed. He’s almost finished.
He’s creosoting the shed!
PAGE 3, PANEL 1:
Adam, walking through the garden.
What the hell do you think you’re doing?
PAGE 3, PANEL 2:
On Stuart. Adam is now standing right by the shed.
Oh, hello Adam. I’m just finishing up here. Hope you like it.
PAGE 3, PANEL 3:
Stuart climbs sown his ladder. A raging Adam stands at the bottom.
Sorry about the noise, knocked my ladder over.
PAGE 3, PANEL 4:
Stuart and Adam, now face to face. Adam is angry, Stuart confused.
You don’t live here anymore! Get out of my garden!
PAGE 3, PANEL 5:
On Stuart. Hurt. He genuinely thinks this is acceptable behaviour.
I’m sorry. I could see that it needed a new coat.
PAGE 3, PANEL 6:
On Adam. Utterly confused, angry and a little jealous. He points off-panel
That’s not your problem anymore.
Now, clear off!
PAGE 4, PANEL 1:
Adam back in the bedroom, talks to a snoozing Lizzie.
I showed him!
That’s nice, dear.
PAGE 4, PANEL 2:
Continued from previous. Lizzie is sleeping, Adam is awake. No dialogue.
PAGE 4, PANEL 3:
Lizzie is snoring. Adam gets up.
PAGE 4, PANEL 4:
Adam, in the shed. He is sweeping up. He looks very happy.
PAGE 4, PANEL 5:
We’re back in the lounge. It’s daytime, a few days later. Adam and Lizzie are carrying bags of shopping. Adam looks shocked.
Let’s get this lot put away and then a nice cup of tea, I think.
It’s bloody Stuart again!
PAGE 4, PANEL 6:
Adam in the garden. Stuart is on top of the shed, nailing down a weatherproof covering.
I thought I told you not to come back?
Yes, but it needed a new roof covering.
PAGE 5, PANEL 1:
Continued from previous. Adam shouting towards the house.
Lizzie! Call the police!
Oh, there’s no need for that!
PAGE 5, PANEL 2:
Back in the house. Lizzie leads two police officers (one male, one female) through the house.
This way, officers.
PAGE 5, PANEL 3:
In the garden. Adam kneeing Stuart in the balls.
Leave us alone! That’s my shed now!
PAGE 5, PANEL 4:
Continued. The police officers now stand between them. A ranting Adam points at Stuart, who is clutching himself in the affected region.
Now, come on, lads – let’s break this up.
He started it! Nutter!
PAGE 5, PANEL 5:
Continued. The policeman talks to Adam while the policewoman talks to Stuart.
Now, what’s this all about?
That’s my shed! He moved out, now he keeps coming back and interfering with her.
PAGE 5, PANEL 6:
The policeman looks at the shed. The policewoman stands nearby.
It certainly is a beautiful shed. Well crafted, the perfect size...
PAGE 6, PANEL 1:
Continued from previous. The policeman still gazing intently at the shed. The policewoman is confused.
I could do with a shed like this.
Step away from the shed, Jim.
PAGE 6, PANEL 2:
The police officers walk away from the shed.
Sorry Marie. It’s just such a lovely shed.
You live in a fifth floor flat!
PAGE 6, PANEL 3:
It’s just Adam and Lizzie in the garden now. They stand by the shed. Adam looks displeased.
Oh, will you look at that!
PAGE 6, PANEL 4:
Adam points at a tiny spot on the door. Lizzie is confused.
There’s a mark on the door!
It’s barely a speck!
PAGE 6, PANEL 5:
Adam strides off. Lizzie looks confused.
It’s disgusting. I’ll have to buy a new door.
It’s just a speck!
PAGE 6, PANEL 6:
It’s getting dark. We’re in the garden. Adam carries a new shed door.
Should be done in an hour or so.
You’re doing it now? It’s getting dark!
PAGE 6, PANEL 7:
Continued from previous. Lizzie really isn’t happy.
Adam, I’ve just put the dinner on. It’s getting late.
Oh, I’m not hungry.
PAGE 6, PANEL 8:
Continued. A row seems imminent.
You’re obsessed with this bloody shed!
I’m just house proud, that’s all.
PAGE 7, PANEL 1:
Continued. On Lizzie.
The front lawn hasn’t been mown for months, the car’s filthy and you’ve still not washed up from last night!
PAGE 7, PANEL 2:
Adam turns toward the shed.
PAGE 7, PANEL 3:
Adam inside the shed. He slides the bolt over. No dialogue.
PAGE 7, PANEL 4:
Adam in his old camping chair. Asleep.
PAGE 7, PANEL 5:
Adam wakes up. The chair is now in the middle of the lawn.
PAGE 7, PANEL 6:
Pull out. The garden is filled with stuff from out of the shed.
What the hell?
PAGE 8, PANEL 1:
Adam is looking at the shed. The door is open, and we see Stuart inside. He is laying a carpet.
I’ll clear up after myself, don’t worry.
PAGE 8, PANEL 2:
I noticed a massive blemish on her door. I’ll make a new one.
PAGE 8, PANEL 3:
Adam, grabbing a spade.
PAGE 8, PANEL 4:
Adam hits Stuart with the spade. No dialogue.
PAGE 8, PANEL 5:
Stuart punches Adam in the face. No dialogue.
PAGE 9, PANEL 1:
Adam hits Stuart with the spade again. No dialogue.
PAGE 9, PANEL 2:
Stuart falls backward. No dialogue.
PAGE 9, PANEL 3:
Stuart is impaled on a fork. There’s blood. No dialogue.
PAGE 9, PANEL 4:
Adam raises his spade in triumph.
PAGE 10, PANEL 1:
Close up on Adam. He looks down at his chest. A small blood spot appears over his heart.
PAGE 10, PANEL 2:
Continued from previous. Still in close up. Adam’s chest has been penetrated by a set of garden shears. Oh, there’s some blood and stuff too. He’s dead, so no dialogue. Head lolling back.
PAGE 10, PANEL 3:
Pull back. We can now see that the shares are wielded by an angry Lizzie. No dialogue. Adam’s head now lolls forward.
PAGE 10, PANEL 4:
Adam’s body dropping off of the shears. Lizzie smiles.
PAGE 10, PANEL 5:
Completely ignoring the two dead guys, Lizzie hugs the shed.
Now we can be together!
PAGE 10, PANEL 6:
Heart shaped panel. Lizzie and the shed together.
I Love You.
TITLE BOX (UNDER HEART)
Two Men, One Shed
Written by Russell Hillman