TWO MEN, ONE SHED

TWO MEN, ONE SHED

BY RUSSELL HILLMAN

PAGE 1:

PAGE 1, PANEL 1:

A typical suburban lounge. STUART (average height, thin, short red hair, late thirties, glasses) is showing ADAM (tall, slim, dark hair, mid twenties) and LIZZIE (tall, slim, blonde, short hair, mid twenties) around. Lizzie is definitely more enthused than Adam.

STUART

We had it rewired just after Christmas.

ADAM

Mmm-hmmm.

LIZZIE

Oh, that’s good.

PAGE 1, PANEL 2:

In the garden. Stuart is showing Adam and Lizzie the shed. Stuart and Adam look happy, Lizzie is bored. The shed is small and nondescript, but looks well made.

STUART

And this is the shed. My pride and joy.

ADAM

Wow. Yeah, that’s really beautiful.

LIZZIE

Yeah, it’s OK.

PAGE 1, PANEL 3:

On Stuart. Reminiscing.

STUART

I need to get shot of the place quick after the divorce, but I’m really going to miss this little shed.

STUART (CONTINUED)

I had some great times in here.

PAGE 1, PANEL 4:

Back to all three of them. Lizzie looks like she’d rather be anywhere else. The men are staring at the shed.

ADAM

It’s a beauty. You should be very proud of it.

STUART

Thank you.

PAGE 1, PANEL 5:

Continued. Both the men are staring at the shed. Lizzie looks at some flowers.

LIZZIE

So, did you plant these yourself...?

PAGE 1, PANEL 6:

Back in the room from panel 1, which is now empty except for a couple of boxes.  Lizzie is carrying a box. Adam is carrying a larger box, not very successfully.

LIZZIE

Adam! Careful, you’re dropping it!

ADAM

Whoops!

PAGE 2:

PAGE 2, PANEL 1:

Adam in the garden. He is cleaning the outside of the shed like it was a car.

ADAM

Look at you, all clean and neat. You look wonderful...

PAGE 2, PANEL 2:

Adam in the shed, various garden tools around. He sits in an old camping chair reading a book.

ADAM

Lovely.

PAGE 2, PANEL 3:

Night-time. Adam and Lizzie are in bed. Adam is sat up slightly. Lizzie is still dozing.

ADAM

Lizzie! I can hear something outside.

LIZZIE

Go back to sleep, it’s probably just a fox.

PAGE 2, PANEL 4:

Adam stood at the window. Lizzie has turned over.

ADAM

It’s Stuart!

LIZZIE

What? Who?

PAGE 2, PANEL 5:

Continued from previous. Lizzie sits up.

ADAM

Stuart! The bloke who used to live here!

LIZZIE

What’s he doing?

PAGE 2, PANEL 6:

We now see out in the garden. Stuart is at the top of a small stepladder, applying creosote to the shed. He’s almost finished.

ADAM (CAPTION)

He’s creosoting the shed!

PAGE 3:

PAGE 3, PANEL 1:

Adam, walking through the garden.

ADAM

What the hell do you think you’re doing?

PAGE 3, PANEL 2:

On Stuart. Adam is now standing right by the shed.

STUART

Oh, hello Adam. I’m just finishing up here. Hope you like it.

PAGE 3, PANEL 3:

Stuart climbs sown his ladder. A raging Adam stands at the bottom.

STUART

Sorry about the noise, knocked my ladder over.

ADAM

Sod off!

PAGE 3, PANEL 4:

Stuart and Adam, now face to face. Adam is angry, Stuart confused.

STUART

What?

ADAM

You don’t live here anymore! Get out of my garden!

PAGE 3, PANEL 5:

On Stuart. Hurt. He genuinely thinks this is acceptable behaviour.

STUART

I’m sorry. I could see that it needed a new coat.

PAGE 3, PANEL 6:

On Adam. Utterly confused, angry and a little jealous. He points off-panel

ADAM

That’s not your problem anymore.

ADAM

Now, clear off!

PAGE 4:

PAGE 4, PANEL 1:

Adam back in the bedroom, talks to a snoozing Lizzie.

ADAM

I showed him!

LIZZIE

That’s nice, dear.

PAGE 4, PANEL 2:

Continued from previous. Lizzie is sleeping, Adam is awake. No dialogue.

PAGE 4, PANEL 3:

Lizzie is snoring. Adam gets up.

LIZZIE

ZZZZZZzzzzzz

PAGE 4, PANEL 4:

Adam, in the shed. He is sweeping up. He looks very happy.

ADAM

Much better.

PAGE 4, PANEL 5:

We’re back in the lounge. It’s daytime, a few days later. Adam and Lizzie are carrying bags of shopping. Adam looks shocked.

LIZZIE

Let’s get this lot put away and then a nice cup of tea, I think.

ADAM

It’s bloody Stuart again!

PAGE 4, PANEL 6:

Adam in the garden. Stuart is on top of the shed, nailing down a weatherproof covering.

ADAM

I thought I told you not to come back?

STUART

Yes, but it needed a new roof covering.

PAGE 5:

PAGE 5, PANEL 1:

Continued from previous. Adam shouting towards the house.

ADAM

Lizzie! Call the police!

STUART

Oh, there’s no need for that!

PAGE 5, PANEL 2:

Back in the house. Lizzie leads two police officers (one male, one female) through the house.

LIZZIE

This way, officers.

PAGE 5, PANEL 3:

In the garden. Adam kneeing Stuart in the balls.

ADAM

Leave us alone! That’s my shed now!

PAGE 5, PANEL 4:

Continued. The police officers now stand between them. A ranting Adam points at Stuart, who is clutching himself in the affected region.

POLICEMAN

Now, come on, lads – let’s break this up.

ADAM

He started it! Nutter!

PAGE 5, PANEL 5:

Continued. The policeman talks to Adam while the policewoman talks to Stuart.

POLICEMAN

Now, what’s this all about?

ADAM

That’s my shed! He moved out, now he keeps coming back and interfering with her.

PAGE 5, PANEL 6:

The policeman looks at the shed. The policewoman stands nearby.

POLICEMAN

It certainly is a beautiful shed. Well crafted, the perfect size...

POLICEWOMAN

Uh, Jim?

PAGE 6:

PAGE 6, PANEL 1:

Continued from previous. The policeman still gazing intently at the shed. The policewoman is confused.

POLICEMAN

I could do with a shed like this.

POLICEWOMAN

Step away from the shed, Jim.

PAGE 6, PANEL 2:

The police officers walk away from the shed.

POLICEMAN

Sorry Marie. It’s just such a lovely shed.

POLICEWOMAN

You live in a fifth floor flat!

PAGE 6, PANEL 3:

It’s just Adam and Lizzie in the garden now. They stand by the shed. Adam looks displeased.

ADAM

Oh, will you look at that!

LIZZIE

What?

PAGE 6, PANEL 4:

Adam points at a tiny spot on the door. Lizzie is confused.

ADAM

There’s a mark on the door!

LIZZIE

It’s barely a speck!

PAGE 6, PANEL 5:

Adam strides off. Lizzie looks confused.

ADAM

It’s disgusting. I’ll have to buy a new door.

LIZZIE

It’s just a speck!

PAGE 6, PANEL 6:

It’s getting dark. We’re in the garden. Adam carries a new shed door.

ADAM

Should be done in an hour or so.

LIZZIE

You’re doing it now? It’s getting dark!

PAGE 6, PANEL 7:

Continued from previous. Lizzie really isn’t happy.

LIZZIE

Adam, I’ve just put the dinner on. It’s getting late.

ADAM

Oh, I’m not hungry.

PAGE 6, PANEL 8:

Continued. A row seems imminent.

LIZZIE

You’re obsessed with this bloody shed!

ADAM

I’m just house proud, that’s all.

PAGE 7:

PAGE 7, PANEL 1:

Continued. On Lizzie.

LIZZIE

House-proud?

LIZZIE (CONTINUED)

The front lawn hasn’t been mown for months, the car’s filthy and you’ve still not washed up from last night!

PAGE 7, PANEL 2:

Adam turns toward the shed.

ADAM

Whatever!

PAGE 7, PANEL 3:

Adam inside the shed. He slides the bolt over. No dialogue.

PAGE 7, PANEL 4:

Adam in his old camping chair. Asleep.

ADAM

ZZZZzzzz

PAGE 7, PANEL 5:

Adam wakes up. The chair is now in the middle of the lawn.

ADAM

Huh?

PAGE 7, PANEL 6:

Pull out. The garden is filled with stuff from out of the shed.

ADAM

What the hell?

PAGE 8:

PAGE 8, PANEL 1:

Adam is looking at the shed. The door is open, and we see Stuart inside. He is laying a carpet.

STUART

Almost done!

STUART (CONTINUED)

I’ll clear up after myself, don’t worry.

PAGE 8, PANEL 2:

On Stuart.

STUART

I noticed a massive blemish on her door. I’ll make a new one.

PAGE 8, PANEL 3:

Adam, grabbing a spade.

ADAM

SHE’S!

ADAM (CONTINUED)

MY!

ADAM (CONTINUED)

SHED!

PAGE 8, PANEL 4:

Adam hits Stuart with the spade. No dialogue.

PAGE 8, PANEL 5:

Stuart punches Adam in the face. No dialogue.

PAGE 9:

PAGE 9, PANEL 1:

Adam hits Stuart with the spade again. No dialogue.

PAGE 9, PANEL 2:

Stuart falls backward. No dialogue.

PAGE 9, PANEL 3:

Stuart is impaled on a fork. There’s blood. No dialogue.

PAGE 9, PANEL 4:

Adam raises his spade in triumph.

ADAM

RRRAAARRRGGGHHH!

PAGE 10:

PAGE 10, PANEL 1:

Close up on Adam. He looks down at his chest. A small blood spot appears over his heart.

ADAM

Uuurrrggghhh

PAGE 10, PANEL 2:

Continued from previous. Still in close up. Adam’s chest has been penetrated by a set of garden shears. Oh, there’s some blood and stuff too. He’s dead, so no dialogue. Head lolling back.

PAGE 10, PANEL 3:

Pull back. We can now see that the shares are wielded by an angry Lizzie. No dialogue. Adam’s head now lolls forward.

PAGE 10, PANEL 4:

Adam’s body dropping off of the shears. Lizzie smiles.

LIZZIE

At last!

PAGE 10, PANEL 5:

Completely ignoring the two dead guys, Lizzie hugs the shed.

LIZZIE

Now we can be together!

PAGE 10, PANEL 6:

Heart shaped panel.  Lizzie and the shed together.

LIZZIE

I Love You.

TITLE BOX (UNDER HEART)

Two Men, One Shed

Written by Russell Hillman

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